dumb jokes

Things that Make You Go “Hmmmm”

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up

Time wounds all heels

Statistics show that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, it turns blue. When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark right upside my head

Two Skunks in the Woods

skunk in the woodsIt was a fine sunny day as two young skunks were scurrying about in the woods, mindless and carefree. Suddenly, one skunk turned and said to the other, “My instincts tell me its going to rain.”

The other skunk paused, as though deep in thought, and then replied. “That’s funny,” he said, “My end stinks and it don’t tell me nothing!”

You’re Drinking Way too Much Coffee if…..

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake You can jump-start your car without cables

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer

You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio

Instant coffee takes too long

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

You introduce your wife as your “Coffee-mate.”

A Compendium of Conpundiums

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

I didn’t know where the sun went at night, so I stayed up thinking about it until it dawned on me.

Clones are people, two

Eschew obfuscation

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I use to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

Boycott shampoo… Demand REAL poo!

IRS – Be audit you can be