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A Three-legged Dog walked into a bar and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
Scientist at a Washington Think Tank met with three idiots to try and determine how their brains worked. “What’s three times three?” they asked the first idiot. “Uh, 247,” he replied. They moved on to idiot No.2 and asked him the same question, “What’s three times three?” and he answered, “Tuesday.”
They then turned to idiot No.3 and asked, “What’s three times three?” He paused for a moment of thought and then said, “Three times three is 9.”
“That’s correct!” the scientists exclaimed. “How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” the idiot said, “I just subtracted 247 from Tuesday.”
Frosty the Snowman was at the local grocery store in the produce section. Several people stood around in amazement watching him pick his nose.
There were two snowmen in front yards next door to each other. One night when everybody was asleep, the one snowman calls out to the other, “Hey, do you smell carrots?”
There was this farmer who was in the barn milking his cow. A strange bug came into the barn and began buzzing about the cow’s head. The farmer watched closely as he continued to squeeze the milk into the pail. He wanted to be ready to move fast in case the bug bit the cow, and the cow kicked the bucket.
Suddenly the bug shot right into the cow’s ear. The farmer jumped back, but the cow did not budge. After a minute of waiting, the farmer went back to milking the cow. A few moments later the bug squirted out of the cow into the milk pail.
The farmer said, “Well I’ll be — in one ear and out the udder.”
Things that Make You Go “Hmmmm”
- Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.
- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- Time wounds all heels.
- Statistics show that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, it turns blue. When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark right upside my head!
You’re Drinking Way too Much Coffee if….
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
- You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You introduce your wife as your “Coffeemate.”
AS A BAGPIPER, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first person to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I’d never played before — songs like Going Home, and The Lord is My Shepherd, and Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “Sweet Mary ‘n Joseph!! I have never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!”